looking up

My weekend had its ups and downs but it ended on a positive note. I accomplished a lot and enjoyed some much needed relaxation time. I hope it sets the tone for everything :)

pessimism

I tried to do a little trick favored by cognitive/behavioral mental health professionals for improving or reversing a bad mood. In theory, it makes perfect sense, you're supposed to counter every negative thought with a positive thought thus regaining control of your emotions. But I think we all know what bullshit that is if you are in a truly despairing state. Today I couldn't help allowing myself to get sucked into a downward spiral and just wallow in my misery. Here is what is plaguing me:

Being confronted with the worst aspects of human nature lately
People getting angry when I don't act as they predicted, relationships suffering
Worries about everything, mainly failing to meet expectations I had for myself

Ok, I hope I'm not having a nervous breakdown...but something has to give, I can't stay this stressed.

another week, another...

I could fall asleep right now but I am going to force myself to stay awake until at least 9pm. I am still sick but I feel much better compared to last week. I have some unpleasant chores ahead of me tomorrow and Sunday, including the dreaded mail sorting. I receive SO MUCH junk but I prefer to shred credit card offers and whatnot (hey, identity theft is no joke) so I pile it up near my shredder until I can open it and verify that I'm not shredding anything important. I also receive a lot of career related material and I feel obligated to at least skim it to remain current. Then I reserve a pile for fun stuff like catalogs or special offers from retailers, which usually end up being obsolete by the time I get a chance to review them. Finally I have a 'short stack' that I am better about keeping up with, for bills. My boyfriend is even lazier about his mail than I am, he saves even junkier stuff like weekly ads for a supermarket we've never bought groceries from. Once I read about a woman who saved all these bullshit fliers and stuffed them in a huge envelope and mailed them back to the company that sent them. That is awesome if it really happened.

I clean my closets frequently but I think I need to do another sweep this weekend. I have a few items that are no longer in the rotation but I couldn't bear to part with them for the longest time, but I started thinking about what a pain it will be to move (given how draining the new job is proving to be, I won't have as much energy as I usually do to organize) and how it would be stupid of me to pack anything unnecessary. I have clothing and accessories I've outgrown, figuratively speaking. I probably also have some books and study materials lurking around that I could part with.

A couple friends, bless their hearts, very tentatively approached me about possibly getting together tomorrow night. We'll see how I feel. A smoky bar probably isn't the best place for a person with respiratory and exhaustion issues. On the other hand, I haven't had a fun night in ages. My parents might visit Sunday, they were going to try to bring my freshly framed diplomas. It would rock if they took me to lunch or dinner, too :-) My recent food consumption is atrocious - heavy on fruit, pasta, and saffron rice - low on protein and veggies. Ok, now my punctuation is getting atrocious so I am going to sign off :-)

looking forward to later

Ah, virtue won out. I decided not to go to yoga. The class also runs on Wednesday evenings, and hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I previously eschewed the Wednesday evening class because it ended at 9pm, which interfered with Project Runway. However, once Austin was booted off (divawho, that is SOOOOOOO awesome your friend spotted him!) I've decided to boycott the remaining episodes of the competition. I'll admit I watched the reunion special, though. Wendy seemed really smug, even when they all took turns attacking her, so I suspect she won the entire thing. Is there no justice in this world?!

I'm getting some suits and a pair of jeans altered later this morning. People often marvel at my petite size (even more so when they witness how much I consume at mealtimes) but they don't understand how much effort is needed for the wardrobe situation. Despite having freakishly long arms and legs given my proportions, I often need hemline alterations. I occasionally need sleeves shortened or waists nipped in. I adore the seamstress I go to, her prices are so reasonable and she is very friendly. I always leave there with a smile.

Later this afternoon, I am doing something even more special. My boyfriend actually wants to go shopping for himself! This is a rare event. Like, once or twice a year. I loooooooove playing stylist. It is even better when he wears what I pick out (or let him think he picked out after guiding him to it with subtle postive reinforcement) and is satisfied with it. People in flattering attire radiate confidence, and that is my goal when I act as personal shopper for friends and family.

checking in

I'm still here. My second week was not quite as hellacious as the first, until I started coming down with the Ebola virus on Thursday. heh, just kidding, but some of the {cute nose crinkle} members of the public I encounter are not courteous enough to stay home when they are contagious. I should have seen it coming, I was falling asleep before 9pm earlier in the week, but I just chalked that up to work related exhaustion. However, when I sat in my office literally shivering with feverish chills, I knew I was in for a real treat. Of course I am new and haven't accrued any sick days, so I had to "tough it out" on Friday, which actually wasn't that bad because I doped myself out on Benadryl and hyped myself up with Emergen-C, resulting in a cool loopy feeling similar to...um nevermind I'll stop there for fear of incriminating myself. ;-) And yesterday night I solidered on to a belated Valentine's dinner that turned out to be extremely enjoyable.

At any rate, I'm debating whether I should go to yoga, I don't want to be a hypocrite and spread my germs and waste my calories that could be used for healing my body on exercise. Also, I have plenty of other things I could do until my 10:30am appointment. However, I've read that once you manifest symptoms, you are no longer contagious. And I'm not disgustingly snuffling or uncontrollably coughing, at this point it is more of an internal feeling of congestion in my chest. And this particular class is low-key restorative yoga, not dynamic. Plus I rarely wake up with enough time to get ready for it on Saturday mornings and I could put the other stuff off til later. hmmmmm....what will win out, selfishness and vanity or moral righetousness? ;-)

i survived!

I made it through hell week - y'know, those first few days of a new job where you have no idea what the fuck is going on and people kind of test your limits to "haze" you. In the worst moments, I finally understood the phrase "burned out" and feared becoming a professional statistic. Occasionally, before I could spiral further into despair, good things would happen, like nice people helping me or assuring me I was excelling given the new environment and the instant demands of the job. Apparently other people began to perceive me as competent, even though I still worry I will flounder and feel the need to continue proving myself. At least the preceding weekend and beginning of the week was punctuated with pleasant events, like drinks/dining with friends, packages and cards in the mail, and gorgeous flowers on my birthday. Plus my boyfriend, bless his heart, took very good care of me and bought or fixed dinner every night. Good stuff, too - Chinese, pizza, pasta primavera, etc. He got even more in touch with his domestic side and tackled my typical domain of laundry and cleaning!

I'm going to reward myself by scheduling several pampering, selfish services. :) Actually, the manicure and pedicure will be a necessity, my hands look beat up (didn't have time to polish them myself, or even push my errant cuticles back with Solar Oil, now they are out of control) and my feet could use a little TLC after being confined to stockings and pumps for hours on end. Besides, I don't want to feel embarrassed displaying my toes in classes that require bare feet. I also need eyebrow maintainence in the near future but I might just be lazy and wait til after work one night next week instead of driving across town today.

Working out with a trainer probably isn't crucial, but I did skip going to the gym for several consecutive mornings in favor of preparing for work. An hour long massage borders on frivilous but I haven't had one in awhile, and some lucky bastards schedule weekly or even daily appointments, so whatever! I'm going to try and squeeze in a little shopping, if I can. I've already indulged in online purchasing earlier in the week, an irresistible clearance sale w/ an extra 20% off.

My parents, who are also on the go quite often, finally penciled in a visit with me and promised to shower me with gifts. They are footing the bill for the framing of all my diplomas so I can hang them in my office (I wanted to see what it looked like before committing to a neutral color scheme, and of course I wanted the frames and matting to match or blend). Among other presents, my mom is bringing homemade birthday cake and icing, which will be delicious! ~sends a virtual slice to divawho?~ We're going to brunch, my favorite meal because you aren't limited to typical breakfast fare and can consume whatever strikes your fancy including alcohol. So all in all, the belated celebration with mi padre y madre should be sobresaliente. :)

boo hoo

I'm officially boycotting my once favorite show, Project Runway.

My gay boyfriend was unfairly eliminated, in favor of a no talent contestant who stirred up the drama.

Shame shame SHAME on the Bravo producers, I am sure they had a hand in this miscarriage of justice, with the goal of good tv in mind.

Austin, if you're reading, I love you! I mentally had 10,000 of your babies when you said "I believe I was put on this earth to give beauty back..."

bambambam

Maybe this is just how things go down in MY world, but it always seems like stuff happens in rapid succession. I can be bored, or minding my own business, and then out of nowhere all these issues simultaneously demand my attention.

Ok, I'm re-reading what I've typed and I hope I don't sound like a pompous asshole who thinks she is SOOOOO important with all these pressing concerns, because I definitely don't. I guess I'm just musing, that the cliche "when it rains, it pours" rings true for me. Of course I can multi-task because that is one of the blessings of being an OCD type-a personality and loving the ritual of organization, but sometimes you actually have to *gasp* wait and see how something will pan out. Or *double gasp* you have no control whatsoever over the outcome.

Being occupied is good - to a point. I hope the pace levels off soon, I don't want to end up "with exhaustion" like celebrities claim. I adore ~possibility~ but it is a double-edged sword because it simultaneously stresses me out. For example, I'm excited about my job, but I hope I don't fuck up and embarrass myself. I'm happy to be looking for a house, but what if I buy one and a better property comes along? My b/f is probably going to propose soon (add "intuitive" to my KSAOs) and even after a few years I'm wondering if that is the right step. And if I do take that step, I'll have to add wedding planning to my already overflowing list of tasks to complete.

Ok, signing off before I psych myself out even further. Going to throw this nervous energy into cooking, which is enough to make anybody laugh, including me :-) Though I think it would be pretty difficult to mangle black beans and saffron rice.