When I was younger I never understood why people always talked in hushed, somber tones about how depressing the holidays are. I wondered why so many suicides occur when the world is supposed to be in a state of merriment and cheer. Now, I know.
If your own family isn't dysfunctional enough, by the time you're older you have probably encountered a significant other's family who is twice as crazy as yours and makes you seriously consider sterilization. If everyone in your mutual families are normal, chances are at least one other person you know has enough stories to make you cringe until next winter.
Work sucks, no matter what time of year, but even more so when you have fuckers who wear combinations of red and green attire the entire month of December, say "Merry Christmas" every day to everyone they see, and loudly hum carols. You're also expected to contribute towards various bullshit causes when you can barely afford to purchase thoughtful, tasteful gifts for the individuals you genuinely care about due to time and money constraints imposed by your job. You might also receive invitations to professional soirees you would rather not attend but kind of have to. Your employer may or may not give out year-end bonuses which leads to issues either way depending on your office politics.
Shopping, which is usually fun, sucks because the mall parking lot is so full that you wait 10 years for a space out in no man's land, when you finally get inside the stores are crowded, the temperature is overheated, and the item you want is sold out and you feel like a loser and leave empty-handed.
Eating, which is usually fun, turns into a gigantic ordeal. People are incredulous when you reject all the junk you realize you shouldn't eat - or you eat the junk and feel guilty and fat afterwards. You realize with horror that your once perfectly fitting pants are a little snug around the waist and with even more horror that you might have to become one of those New Year's resolution weight loss people you used to scoff at when they joined the gym in January and pray it is just PMS induced water retention - one of the few times PMS is viewed as a positive.
Drinking, which is usually fun, turns into a gigantic ordeal. You don't want to get too sloshed and say the wrong thing at a holiday party, witness colleagues in embarrassing states, or in a situation where you have to drive anywhere or rely on some skeevy person (including cabbies) for a ride home. At the same time, going to such an event with no liquid sunshine in your system whatsoever is enough to make you want to stay home and not even bother.
Coordinating with your friends becomes a giant ordeal. People tend to flake out, be it pre-festivity or during. We all have that hoebag friend who will ditch you in a heartbeat for a one-night stand and those tendencies are all the more apparent when happening on a daily basis. Or the one who punks out with no legitimate excuse when you're ready to walk out the door, forcing you to either scramble for new arrangements with other people or throw in the towel and miss out on something you were looking forward to.
Basically, this time of year is just more trouble than it is worth. I'm not a super religious person but I do feel a lot of pressure to spend this time of year to be doing anything BUT celebrating the original "reason for the season." I've been reflecting a lot lately and most of it is negative and hopeless and saddened based on what I see going on around me. I feel like a failure because the only person I have a present for at this point is my mom, but I dread going out in public to acquire more. I've barely decorated our new house, our tree doesn't have ornaments because we haven't collected enough yet and I think it looks better to have none than just a few, my fiance hasn't put up the outside lights and probably won't get around to it at this point unless I nag at him which is an argument I'd prefer to skip. Everything seems unfinished but I feel like it is meaningless to complete it anyways. I have been in a bad mood all week, especially the past couple days, leaving me with such an empty feeling. Then I feel incredibly ungrateful because I truly don't have THAT much to complain about, so I start imagining how much worse others have it, and I'm back to being bummed out on their behalf. I really should be thankful for all that I'm blessed with...the health and intelligence of youth, a loving relationship, most of my family members still around, my first house, my car, a secure job and upwardly mobile career path. Why do I still feel like something is missing? What is wrong with me? Damn the holidays, I have no other explanation for it. I'm blaming my downward spiral into gloom on Santa.
