not a martyr

I know the following rant is going to sound totally self-righteous but I need to preface it by saying I am an earnest person. Despite my diva tendencies, I pride myself on a job well done and I behave very ethically in a profession littered with questionable characters. I hate the rampant incompetence I encounter on a daily basis in my current position. However, what truly boils my blood is knowing that no matter where I work, I'll encounter the same or worse. And it is just depressing. Life really isn't fair. Like, seriously, what is the point? I'm losing my sanity comparing my efforts to others, but I am not the type of person who can perform half-ass and feel satisfied with myself. I just can't. And this is just looking at the situation within the scope of my career. Considering the rest of the world, my colleagues are at least gainfully employed. I can't even express how much it infuriates me that I basically slave away while so many people languish around doing nothing productive with their lives, contributing nothing to society, etc.

And then I feel guilty, because there are a lot of people who have it much worse and don't deserve it. So it is like a pendulum between rage and hopelessness. I feel the physical effects of the stress I'm under and realize I need to find an outlet (in addition to this) because otherwise I'll end up no better than the people I disdain. I wish there were an easy solution. But there isn't.

older and wiser

I'm not the first to say this, but remember when you were little and loved birthdays? And you would even count out fractions of your age, like, I'm seven and three-quarters? And you'd be so excited about bringing cupcakes to school and/or having a party? Then as time marches on, you realize how depressing life can be, and it is made all the more depressing by how short it is...and you kinda keep a low-pro about the amount of years you're celebrating? And your present to yourself may or may not be focused on maintaining your youth? Um, yeah.

The usual sunny weather has been totally blah lately so now I totally understand how people up north suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I wasn't motivated to do laundry for weeks or clean the kitchen...finally the piles got so bad my better half actually stepped in and started doing chores...big shocker considering he wouldn't notice if our floors were caked with dirt and crawling with roaches normally.

Cold, wet weather also allows good habits to fall by the wayside. What is the point of pedicures when you wear socks and close-toed shoes everyday? Hair styling is kind of pointless. Personal grooming is unnecessary when you wear pants daily and flannel pajamas at night. Skipping workouts in favor of hibernating is ok. Eating junk because it isn't bathing suit season yet is ok, too.

Obviously, January kind of sucked, so I have high hopes for this month. I need to get back on track. No more lazing around. After all, each day could be my last.