road rage
If you've been keeping up, you should already know I harbor a petpeeve regarding people's driving skills, or lack thereof. I feel it would be therapeutic and quite possibly another lovely PSA to list my grievances against fellow motorists. I've already tried going the good karma route and wishing the other person a safe journey, but that didn't do the trick. I live in a state filled with a disproportionate amount of elderly and tourist drivers, which makes for quite the transportation nightmare. Honestly, sometimes I long to live in a city where everything is within walking distance, a subway ride, or deliverable! Then I wouldn't have to put up with ish like this:
1. slow drivers - Admittedly, I'm not the most patient person. In fact, I am a Type A personality. It ticks me off when people putter down the road. That is great you have nothing better to do than spend the WHOLE DAY to travel one mile, but the rest of us have places to go. And considering approximately half the population is also Type A, slow people should pick up the pace or risk bearing the brunt of an obsessive-compulsive aggressive meltdown one day!
1.a. parking lot stalkers - This ticks me off because these people are not only slow and rude, they are LAZY. Gee, I wonder why obesity is an American epidemic? Because these pigs want to park as close to the entrance as possible! God forbid they have to walk an extra hundred yards.
1.b. brake checkers - These assholes (oops, pardon my French - NOT!) actually seem AWARE they are holding up the 20 cars behind theirs, but think it is adorable to slow down even more and also tap their brakes every two feet. Its so cute they will probably end up getting shot one day!
1.c. ambivalent speedsters - Like the brake checker, this person doesn't want to speed up...until you attempt to pass. Then it is pedal to the metal as if the road turned into the AutoBahn. Ego issues, much?
2. tailgaters - I've ridden in the car with people who do this and feel the possibility of getting shot doing this is roughly equal to the odds of getting shot while brake checking. As much as I hate slow drivers, I wouldn't dare tailgate anybody, I try to pass or just grit my teeth or hang back if I cannot get around. Remember, the driver at fault is the one who rear-ends the other, even if that mofo was asking for it.
3. parking lot hogs (ver. 2.0) - For the love of Pete, please do not get a car (coughSUVcoughlargetruckcough) if you cannot handle the intricacies of parking it. There is no need to take up multiple spaces. This is another reason (besides exercise) that I park in Siberia, because I am petrified of somebody dinging my beautiful new car. I also want to throw in, look before you back out of a space...so many people seem to throw it in reverse without turning around to survey the parking lot, and I might be stuck behind your space because a parking lot piggy is stalking a space and I don't have anywhere else to go.
4. failure to signal - I hate when I pull up behind a car already seated at a light with no left turn lane and the driver ahead of me waits for the light to turn before signaling a left turn. Then I am stuck and I could have avoided it, if the person was conscientious. It is also crazy when you're behind someone, rolling along at 50, and the driver ahead of you abrubtly signals for maybe 2 seconds before stopping to turn.
4a. improper turning - See last sentence in above paragraph. Also, I can't stand it when people hold up traffic that is one way on either side to make a left. Can't you just go to the next intersection and make a U-turn? I don't understand how anybody can feel comfortable knowing there are 50 cars behind you, each driver hating you for the delay.
5. running red lights/stop signs - This is an accident waiting to happen. Bottom line. Pay attention, get off the cell phone, whatever it takes. You really should be in control of your vehicle because it only takes an instant to change your life or the lives of others.
6. attention seekers - Yes, I hear your thumpin' bass, it is rattling my windows and drowning out my tunes. Yes, I see that your windows are deeply tinted and you've got the pimped out rims. No, I don't think you are a gangsta. Yes, I think you are pathetic.
7. drinkers - I'm really speaking of the 21+ variety of beverages, but let's not forget - hot coffee can be a distraction, too! Seriously, a DUI costs far more than a taxi ride. And you aren't putting anybody at risk, including yourself.
8. multi-taskers - The other day I heard a news bit on the radio about people watching PORN on those dashboard DVDs while they're cruising down the road. Um, can't you wait until you get home? Similarly, at least put on lipstick/shave/read the paper/play Nintendo/etc. while you are at a stop light or complete stop, not when your foot is on the gas!
Do you feel sorry with what I'm dealing with? Do you empathize because you hate bad drivers, too? Do you ever fantasize of pulling a Fried Green Tomatoes and one day busting up the car of someone who grievously offended you? (sadly, this fantasy is no longer appeals to me now that I have a new car). Or do you recognize that you are in fact, guilty of one or more of the charming examples I described? Are you wondering what kind of car I drive so you can engage in one or more of these and put me over the edge?
1. slow drivers - Admittedly, I'm not the most patient person. In fact, I am a Type A personality. It ticks me off when people putter down the road. That is great you have nothing better to do than spend the WHOLE DAY to travel one mile, but the rest of us have places to go. And considering approximately half the population is also Type A, slow people should pick up the pace or risk bearing the brunt of an obsessive-compulsive aggressive meltdown one day!
1.a. parking lot stalkers - This ticks me off because these people are not only slow and rude, they are LAZY. Gee, I wonder why obesity is an American epidemic? Because these pigs want to park as close to the entrance as possible! God forbid they have to walk an extra hundred yards.
1.b. brake checkers - These assholes (oops, pardon my French - NOT!) actually seem AWARE they are holding up the 20 cars behind theirs, but think it is adorable to slow down even more and also tap their brakes every two feet. Its so cute they will probably end up getting shot one day!
1.c. ambivalent speedsters - Like the brake checker, this person doesn't want to speed up...until you attempt to pass. Then it is pedal to the metal as if the road turned into the AutoBahn. Ego issues, much?
2. tailgaters - I've ridden in the car with people who do this and feel the possibility of getting shot doing this is roughly equal to the odds of getting shot while brake checking. As much as I hate slow drivers, I wouldn't dare tailgate anybody, I try to pass or just grit my teeth or hang back if I cannot get around. Remember, the driver at fault is the one who rear-ends the other, even if that mofo was asking for it.
3. parking lot hogs (ver. 2.0) - For the love of Pete, please do not get a car (coughSUVcoughlargetruckcough) if you cannot handle the intricacies of parking it. There is no need to take up multiple spaces. This is another reason (besides exercise) that I park in Siberia, because I am petrified of somebody dinging my beautiful new car. I also want to throw in, look before you back out of a space...so many people seem to throw it in reverse without turning around to survey the parking lot, and I might be stuck behind your space because a parking lot piggy is stalking a space and I don't have anywhere else to go.
4. failure to signal - I hate when I pull up behind a car already seated at a light with no left turn lane and the driver ahead of me waits for the light to turn before signaling a left turn. Then I am stuck and I could have avoided it, if the person was conscientious. It is also crazy when you're behind someone, rolling along at 50, and the driver ahead of you abrubtly signals for maybe 2 seconds before stopping to turn.
4a. improper turning - See last sentence in above paragraph. Also, I can't stand it when people hold up traffic that is one way on either side to make a left. Can't you just go to the next intersection and make a U-turn? I don't understand how anybody can feel comfortable knowing there are 50 cars behind you, each driver hating you for the delay.
5. running red lights/stop signs - This is an accident waiting to happen. Bottom line. Pay attention, get off the cell phone, whatever it takes. You really should be in control of your vehicle because it only takes an instant to change your life or the lives of others.
6. attention seekers - Yes, I hear your thumpin' bass, it is rattling my windows and drowning out my tunes. Yes, I see that your windows are deeply tinted and you've got the pimped out rims. No, I don't think you are a gangsta. Yes, I think you are pathetic.
7. drinkers - I'm really speaking of the 21+ variety of beverages, but let's not forget - hot coffee can be a distraction, too! Seriously, a DUI costs far more than a taxi ride. And you aren't putting anybody at risk, including yourself.
8. multi-taskers - The other day I heard a news bit on the radio about people watching PORN on those dashboard DVDs while they're cruising down the road. Um, can't you wait until you get home? Similarly, at least put on lipstick/shave/read the paper/play Nintendo/etc. while you are at a stop light or complete stop, not when your foot is on the gas!
Do you feel sorry with what I'm dealing with? Do you empathize because you hate bad drivers, too? Do you ever fantasize of pulling a Fried Green Tomatoes and one day busting up the car of someone who grievously offended you? (sadly, this fantasy is no longer appeals to me now that I have a new car). Or do you recognize that you are in fact, guilty of one or more of the charming examples I described? Are you wondering what kind of car I drive so you can engage in one or more of these and put me over the edge?
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