i'm so going to hell
If you've been keeping up, you know I'm enjoying my newly acquired homeowner status. I was out exploring the new neighborhood a couple weeks ago and spied a sign for a new women's only gym, coming soon! The prospect of working out without being stared at excited me, it is within walking distance to my house, and their website looked sort of promising, so I decided to go to the open house last Saturday. Plus it advertised a bonanza of "door prize" gift certificates that I would actually use (massage, car detailing, free membership, ~good~ local restaurants, etc.) - sounds fantastic, right? WRONG. I was sorely disappointed.
I stroll up and am alarmed to see MEN. Um, I thought this was a women's only gym? And no, I'm not a closeted lesbian eagerly anticipating to ogle a female lovefest. The women's only gym I worked at in college didn't even have male JANITORS, much less male trainers or "membership consultants." And the only table set up to enter a drawing was for Mary Kay. WTF?! Where were the other giveaways and chair massages? Not to sound snobby but I haven't used Mary Kay cosmetics since like, middle school. At the check-in area, you could also enter a drawing for a free ninety day membership. Again, wtf? (an even bigger wtf? later when I found out their minimum contract is 12 months) I should have taken my cue and turned tail and ran home. But no, as they say, curiosity killed the cat. I forged ahead.
The indoor area was not even finished! The bathrooms had no lighting and wires were hanging out of the wall. People were painting, drilling, sanding, etc. It was only 3500 square feet and part of this was occupied by tanning (yes, the 90's are back) beds. There was a pitiful little circle of weight machines in the middle of the room, and our "tour guide" (a man, btw - I guess women's only has a secret meaning that includes individuals with a penis) said a TV would prompt you to move to the next machine and no workout lasted longer than 32 minutes! I interrupted his spiel and asked "do we have to do a predetermined workout?" and he looked a little nervous and laughed "of course not, you can do your own" I countered "wouldn't that disrupt the 'flow' if I skipped around on the machines?" He didn't have an answer. I said "oh, so it is kind of like a Curves" and he was quick to insist it is NOTHING like Curves, except for the "women's only" part. There were only FOUR, yes four, cardio machines. But two tanning beds. Because apparently we don't get enough sun in Florida already, and people go to the gym to tan, not workout.
It gets worse. He led us (me and an older, larger lady) back to this shed looking thing. He beamed with pride "this is our FAR sauna, just sitting in it burns 600 calories." I nearly vomited. I could just picture being trapped in there with lazy asses who would probably bring a snack since, hey, it burns calories. Then he leaned forward and tried to reel us in. "For 39.95 a month you get a membership, kiddie corner childcare, and a personal trainer." He inquired whether we had any questions and I said "well, what if you don't have kids?" The big lady sneered "well, I guess you won't use kiddie corner" He looked flabbergasted and didn't answer me, so I elaborated. "The gym I go to now (which incidentally is 10x larger, better equipped, and costs LESS per month - this went unsaid but I am sharing for context) only charges members who actually USE and NEED the childcare a separate childcare fee, do you have a price point for people who will never utilize that service?" He said "well, it is included for every type of membership" At this point, I was tiring of his semantics. So I smiled charmingly and sweetly uttered "I don't think I am your target market." And pointedly stared at Miss Foaming at the mouth imagining her calories sweating off in the sauna while her rugrats play in the corner and she dutifully completes the exercises her "personal trainer" instructs her to, all in 32 minutes. Then I said "thank you, I've heard ALL I need to hear to make a decision" and I waltzed to the exit. :)
I stroll up and am alarmed to see MEN. Um, I thought this was a women's only gym? And no, I'm not a closeted lesbian eagerly anticipating to ogle a female lovefest. The women's only gym I worked at in college didn't even have male JANITORS, much less male trainers or "membership consultants." And the only table set up to enter a drawing was for Mary Kay. WTF?! Where were the other giveaways and chair massages? Not to sound snobby but I haven't used Mary Kay cosmetics since like, middle school. At the check-in area, you could also enter a drawing for a free ninety day membership. Again, wtf? (an even bigger wtf? later when I found out their minimum contract is 12 months) I should have taken my cue and turned tail and ran home. But no, as they say, curiosity killed the cat. I forged ahead.
The indoor area was not even finished! The bathrooms had no lighting and wires were hanging out of the wall. People were painting, drilling, sanding, etc. It was only 3500 square feet and part of this was occupied by tanning (yes, the 90's are back) beds. There was a pitiful little circle of weight machines in the middle of the room, and our "tour guide" (a man, btw - I guess women's only has a secret meaning that includes individuals with a penis) said a TV would prompt you to move to the next machine and no workout lasted longer than 32 minutes! I interrupted his spiel and asked "do we have to do a predetermined workout?" and he looked a little nervous and laughed "of course not, you can do your own" I countered "wouldn't that disrupt the 'flow' if I skipped around on the machines?" He didn't have an answer. I said "oh, so it is kind of like a Curves" and he was quick to insist it is NOTHING like Curves, except for the "women's only" part. There were only FOUR, yes four, cardio machines. But two tanning beds. Because apparently we don't get enough sun in Florida already, and people go to the gym to tan, not workout.
It gets worse. He led us (me and an older, larger lady) back to this shed looking thing. He beamed with pride "this is our FAR sauna, just sitting in it burns 600 calories." I nearly vomited. I could just picture being trapped in there with lazy asses who would probably bring a snack since, hey, it burns calories. Then he leaned forward and tried to reel us in. "For 39.95 a month you get a membership, kiddie corner childcare, and a personal trainer." He inquired whether we had any questions and I said "well, what if you don't have kids?" The big lady sneered "well, I guess you won't use kiddie corner" He looked flabbergasted and didn't answer me, so I elaborated. "The gym I go to now (which incidentally is 10x larger, better equipped, and costs LESS per month - this went unsaid but I am sharing for context) only charges members who actually USE and NEED the childcare a separate childcare fee, do you have a price point for people who will never utilize that service?" He said "well, it is included for every type of membership" At this point, I was tiring of his semantics. So I smiled charmingly and sweetly uttered "I don't think I am your target market." And pointedly stared at Miss Foaming at the mouth imagining her calories sweating off in the sauna while her rugrats play in the corner and she dutifully completes the exercises her "personal trainer" instructs her to, all in 32 minutes. Then I said "thank you, I've heard ALL I need to hear to make a decision" and I waltzed to the exit. :)
5 Comments:
do you have a picture of yourself? put it up.
Ah, sorry Anonymous, no can do. Like yourself, I prefer to maintain an aura of mystery. ;-)
how about now?
Oh my god. Just READING about this experience is enough to make me want to punch that guy, that fat lady, and that entire "gym" in their respective faces.
What a load of shit, all around. Nice misinformation, re: burning 600 calories just sitting on your ass in a sauna. WTF!?
I'm not a fan of ANYTHING that's exclusive to one gender. I'm surprised, actually, that you'd be interested in a place that caters to women only. Big deal, so guys look at you at the gym!
The one I worked at was just SO amazing I automatically expected every "women's only" to recapture it, that is definitely NOT the case. I have a whole new appreciation for my co-ed gym now! :)
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